dear ash,

don't hold onto the past.

look forward to the amazing future that I have put in front of you.

the past isn't going to change.

change how you handle the present and the future.

be wise.

i'll always be here for you.

don't hesitate if you need to talk.

love,

God.

(Daddy)

conversation with mom.

"ashlee, i think you put out a lot in your relationships & you get really hurt when it's not reciprocated. i'm not asking you to change that about you. God made you that way & it's a good thing, but you're going to have to learn to deal with it."

=/

i guess you're right, mom.

epiphany.

when you let go of your plans,

He has something so much greater in store for you.

trust me, it's worth it.

imparted wisdom.

walk w/ dad tonight after liongco family left.

something he said:

"prosperity is harder to handle than poverty.

when you're prosperous, it's easy to feel that you don't need God."

funny how having more can be having less.

never thought of that.

worship.

good morning, Daddy.

thank you for another day of life. thank you that i was able to wake up this morning and go to chemistry, review a few concepts that i've learned in the past, and learn some new ones. thank you for the privilege of a Christian education.

thank you that every tuesday, i can come back to my dorm room, eat breakfast, and not be in a rush. no one else is here. it's just You and me. thank you for this quality time that i have with you.

Father, thank you for my family back at home. thank you that the end of this summer has drawn me closer to them. i haven't felt like this in a long time, if ever. thank you that i'm only 30 min away from them and that we can continue working on our relationships. thank you so much for my family.

Daddy, thank you for my friends. thank you for bringing me a roommate that is empathetic to my situation. thank you for my best friends & the amazing memories that i made with them this summer. please be with them, whether they're up in PUC, away at andrews, or down here locally. take care of them, bless them in their studies, and watch over them. bring them people that will be good influences and that will draw them closer to You. bless their future, Father. i know that you have great plans for all of them. & please remind them of how much i love them & that i hold them in my heart. they are Your gifts to me.

Daddy, please bless this day. be with me in all that i do. as i study, as i learn, as i eat, as i walk, as i talk. be my ALL in all. guide me & direct me. may Your thoughts be my thoughts. Your love be my love. Your patience be my patience. may we be one as YOU are one.

thank you, Daddy.

i love You.

amen.

*ps. please remind me to wait on You.

thanks. amen.

not me.

today i walked from sierra towers to angwin hall by myself.

the whole time, i wished that i was walking with you.

i thought i was done with this,

but i ached for you today.

on my walk, i prayed that God would send you a good girl

if He hasn't already.

that she would be good to you & appreciate you.

that she would care for you.

& that you'd be happy.

"tell the lucky girl that she's got a keeper."

"yeah & the guy that gets you is a lucky _______."

i missed you today. =/

train of thought.

_sacrifice. i don't think i've ever fully understood or fully appreciated what that means.

_quality time is so crucial in maintaining relationships. i'm glad i got some w/ you tonight, mom. i love your stories.

_i'm sorry, but i don't feel like it. it took so much energy to not care, & i don't wanna go back.

_am i living like it's the past? how will i react when i find out that you _________. will i accept it? will i be happy? sad? or indifferent? i have no idea. & i'm scared to find out. because i just realized that when ________, things'll have to change. but you don't realize how extremely happy i am with right now. i don't want anything to rock the boat.

_oh well. W/E. i guess that's the way things are right now. i tried, but you're not reciprocating. so w/e.

_i hope things can be like before. i hope that _____ hasn't affected anything.

_idk which side to take. ik it seems like i've already taken one, but i don't want to ruin our friendship either.

note to self:

*amslltsslsmdjkqsnamardum.

=/

thankfully.

time will heal all things.

time will heal all things.

time will heal all things.

>>>

time has healed all things.

time has healed all things.

time has healed all things.

:)

to ab.marms:

keep this in mind.

& keep your head up k?

it might take a while,

but one day.

i'm here for you,

if you need/want me to be.

& even if you don't want me to be.

out of sight, out of mind?

you know,

usually,

i would rather be the one that gets hurt

instead of the one that causes the hurt.

cause if i'm the one that causes the hurt,

i feel bad for being the source of their pain.

and i would willingly trade spots.

but right now, i'm sitting in the position of the "hurt-ee."

or at least the "confused one",

if nothing else.

& i really wish that i could be the "hurter."

or at least the "indifferent one."

cause then i wouldn't have to worry about anything.

why did...even though...?

can you please answer me that?

cause this bites as much as i thought it would.

a conversation with myself:

ash1: ashlee, if you could go back in time and do things differently, would you?

ash2: ...

...

...no.

ash1: well then, there's your answer. chin up, girl. live up to what you said you would do.

ash2: but, ash, it's not that easy.

ash1: do what nikki said then. get the closure you need. it'll give you a peace of mind.

ash2: *sigh* i suppose.

ash1: it's okay, ash. smile. :) you'll look back on this in a little bit & everything'll be okay. just like before. :)

ash2: in time.

*sigh*.

i'm in the middle of a conversation with a friend.

something that he said:

"if you knew the atrocities of this generation, you would never look at the simplest things the same way."

daisies.

candies.

pacifiers.

bright colors.

when did these things ever start to be associated

with something so...twisted?

once child's play,

now...

nvm.

*sigh*

ignorance is bliss.

sidewalks and street corners.

not many realize it,

but the different parts of a road

harbor a lot of different emotions.

at the beginning of the street

(or end, depends on which way you look at it)

is the street corner.

where run-aways sit with their head in their hands while they try to figure out what to do next.

where hookers give away their bodies and compete with others to get the best buck.

where sign flippers wave their cardboard this way and that in the scorching sun while other people laugh at how ridiculous they look.

(okay, that last one wasn't a great example.

you can throw that one out.)

but street corners represent

pain, depression, and emptiness

in my mind.

plus, people on street corners are often alone.

however,

just a few feet down from the street corner

is the sidewalk.

where lovers hold hands while taking an evening stroll in the cool summer night.

where friends congregate in groups to converse and laugh.

where street lamps are placed to light the driver's way safely back home.

sidewalks represent

love, laughter, and security.

people on sidewalks are most always accompanied

by a friendly face.

hmm.

tgfsidewalks. :)

a genuine mona lisa.

pastor jonny once told us that his old youth pastor always used to ask him,

"jonny, how's your spirit?"

rather than,

"what's up? how are you?"

i always liked that.

the latter question is tossed around too freely.

it's used more as a replacement for "hi"

rather than asking the person how they really are.

so if you were to ask me how my spirit is right now,

i'd tell you that i'm suffering from a case of

ambiguity.

on one end,

i'm giving you genuine smiles.

but on the other end,

i'm passing out mona lisa smiles.

nicknames.

i'm a sentimental person.

i appreciate small things that most other people wouldn't think twice of.

certain items, places, smells, colors, phrases, etc.

hold value because of the memories they evoke

and the relationships that they're linked to.

especially names.

if you haven't noticed,

i come up with nicknames for people a lot.

& more than often,

i stick to the nickname that i come up with.

sometimes i'll call them that more than their real name.

suelynn. sanga. ven. jeff fry. biff. nikkitino. darca$h. ma pyss. itu. aduh ya. waseng. dee dee. bobby lee. ktigre. dayniel. jay rizz. edmunder. loraling. alpoor. ana tropicana. kodaDAY. seestur. keiko. arteem. DNA master. jay cuhh. mao mao. p. jay. pjo. raymundo. shelbaBAY. t-reeeEEEV. tirs. leroy. 5. chayndler. cha. daynellezerz. mandy bear.

...just to name a small percentage.

this past week,

i've been thinking about nicknames a lot.

i love it when people have nicknames for me.

ash. ashca$h. ash trash.

(*cough* you can forget that one)

pash. arteeem. mango. itu.

keke. sister. nuy nuy. precious. beautiful.

(^^ family names)

its kinda weird,

and you might roll your eyes at me,

but it makes my day when people give me nicknames

and stick to it.

nicknames to me are more just silly words.

they're terms of endearment.

nicknames signify a friendship.

a close relationship.

see,

anyone can call me ashlee.

teachers, co-workers, classmates,

people on the street.

but people that know me,

that have a relationship with me,

know me as more than just "ashlee."

they have the right to call me

something other than the name on my birth certificate.

so, if you're my friend,

please,

go for it.

hi my name's ashlee.

but you can call me "ash."

a prayer.

dear Daddy,

my friends and I have been talking about friendships a LOT lately.

like a lot, a lot.

we've also been talking about how to maintain them during college,

and we're spending as much quality time as we can with each other this summer.

then tonight, I realized something.

I haven't spent a whole lot of quality time with you.

I'm really tired right now and i was almost tempted to skip out on worship,

but I knew that i couldn't.

Daddy, You are my best friend.

You honestly are.

but how in the world can i call You that when i hardly spend time with you?

i've been spending a lot more time with other people than i have with You.

i'm so sorry that i've neglected You.

that i've put You on the back burner.

that i didn't spend time with You when i said i would.

that's not what friends do to each other.

i'm so sorry. :(

Daddy, this moment is just for You and me.

everyone else in the house is asleep.

everything's quiet.

so it's just You-and-me time.

and i want to savor it.

i love You, Daddy.

amen.

"than the morning sun."

a line in a song by Skillet:

"You have been more faithful than the morning sun."

to one, that line might go through one ear

and out the other.

but today, those words mean a lot to me.

because today,

i was reminded that

people change.

in my particular case,

that hurts.

but you know what?

it just emphasizes this unchangeable fact

that i place so much trust in:

You have been more faithful than the morning sun.

You have been more faithful than knowing the night will come.

You have been more faithful than the changing of the seasons.

so even though there's a little rain,

i can still walk strong.

thanks, Daddy.

new blog.

akale.mekana.blogspot.com

^^ that's going to be my photo/update blog

while i use this blog as my "creative writing corner", so to speak.

i want to keep things organized. :)

weird much?

maybe.

oh well.

you can deal with it. :)

hula.

flowers.
Originally uploaded by ashleesumilat

their perfectly manicured fingernails
accentuate their hand movements,
making the words of the song come to life.
the trains of their muumuus slide along the carpet floor
making a subtle whoosh sound.
their flowers and leis?
vibrant.
beautiful.
and perfectly in place.
the vocals of the woman singing
and the strums of the guitar
blend perfectly together to create a sound
that invites one
to imagine the waterfalls in the tucked-away mountains that are waiting to be visited.
to feel the gentle hawaiian breeze as it rustles through the mango trees.
to sit back and enjoy.

and so i do.

i just sit there.

and soak it all up.

innocence.

olivia.
Originally uploaded by ashleesumilat

babies are the epitome of it.
their lives are so uncomplicated.
maybe not for the people taking care of them,
of course,
but the life of a baby is pure bliss.
nothing to stress over.
nothing to worry about.
nothing to care for.
they just depend.
how i wish our lives were that free-flowing.
but there's too much stuff going on
for that to even wish for.

dear Daddy,
i want to have a child-like spirit.
a baby-like spirit.
full of innocence.
full of dependence.
solely on You.
i've seen what happens when i take things
out of Your hands
& place them into my own.
remind me to trust in You
in the big & little things.
especially with all these things going on
in the lives of my friends.
satan's been hitting so many of them
really hard.
i lift them up to You, Father,
because i don't know what else to do.
remind them, too, to have a baby-like spirit.
help our unbelief.
be patient with our frustrations.
encourage our depression.
we need You.

please don't abandon us now.

embrace.

to be in the arms of someone that cares about you

and that you care about back.

whether it's a beloved family member,

a best friend,

or a significant other.

to feel the affection and care that they have for you

flow from their arms into yours

through some weird type of osmosis,

all the while finding its way to your heart.

it needs no map, compass, or GPS.

it just somehow knows how to hit the spot.

& it leaves me speechless.

oh this is the night, it's a beautiful night,

and we call it bella notte.

look at the skies, they have stars in their eyes

on this lovely bella notte.

side by side with your loved one,

you'll find enchantment here.

the night will weave its magic spell

when the one you love is near.

for this is the night, and the heavens are right

on this lovely bella notte.

summary: up & down.

(a) pocketful of regret.

for both situations, it wasn't worth it.

& now i have to suffer the consequences. =/

(b) at last.

things are resolved.

& we're still good. :)

(c) *sigh*.

i miss you already.

life's unfair. =/

i don't want to count down the days.

(d) my schedule.

needs to slow down.

i have too many things going on.

what ever happened to summer?

i mean, i like being busy & being productive.

it feels good.

but i want more down time.

after this wk, i think things'll slow down.

i hope.

underpar.

to be told that you're not good enough.

to be told that in some way or another, something about you is wrong.

to be told that you're deficient in something.

& to be told that in front of other people and watch their reactions.

makes me feel this small.

& to go to someone to feel better & for them to say something insensitive.

makes me realize that i'm the only one that can make myself feel better.

nothing that anyone will say will make me feel better.

w/e.

i'll get over it.

just give me a few minutes.

a little time to cry.

then i'm good.

meet me on the corner of "i don't care what people think about me" and "grow thicker skin, ashlee. it's okay."

tuned out.

IMG_2794
Originally uploaded by ashleesumilat

*a prize of one of my VBS kids for completing the daily challenge.*
after about a minute of trying to figure out how to play with it, i explained to her that it was a maze. the recipient of the prize said this:
"this is so weird! i don't really like it...it's a maze with no way out!"
so i went up with her to exchange the prize.
hahahaha. :)

something interesting happened today at VBS.
i did something that i haven't done in a while.
i tuned out of the world & focused in on one thing.
today, i tuned in on justin, one of the kids in my kindergarten class.
we were all eating snacks, & he wasn't doing anything.
he wasn't eating, wasn't talking.
he was just sitting there, rubbing his eyes.
i got down to his eye level & asked him if everything was okay.
he didn't respond to me, even after multiple attempts of me trying to find the culprit of his distress.
so i picked him up, sat in his seat, hugged him tight, and held him in my lap as he gave in and rested his head in the crevice between my shoulder and my neck.
for a good 5-10 minutes, i just held him, massaged his back, and stroked his hair as we sat in silence while the other 4-6 year olds laughed, talked, and ate their watermelon.
for those few minutes, everything else disappeared in my mind, all other thoughts and distractions were put away, and all my focus was put into justin.

i remember sitting there thinking,
"wow...nothing else matters right now."

for those few intimate moments, nothing else did.

i was completely content with the world.

it was a peaceful feeling.

i want more of those.

simple things.

its the simplest things in life that make me smile.

*i don't like the exposure in this picture, but her facial expression is too cute not to share.*

i also realized that its the simplest things in life that can totally bring me down.

a comment.

or a non comment.

a look.

or a non look.

a tone of voice.

or silence.

hmmmm.

little things get to me.

whether or not that's good or bad.

abrupt switch.

IMG_2127
Originally uploaded by ashleesumilat

today was day 1 of VBS at LLCC.
these are 2 of the cutest girls i've ever seen. :)

abrupt switch,
but i'm really into colors.
sounds kinda weird, but they're important to me.
sometimes my emotions play off the colors that i'm around.
but anyways, today, i officially decided that i'm not so much into yellow anymore.
i like them in pictures, but not in the things that i own.
i don't want to have anymore yellow possessions.

green & purple's my jam.
...but only certain shades.

cetus lepidus.

that's one of my "catchphrases" in the skits for VBS...the theme is space-ploration.

its used as an exclamation of exasperation, surprise, any extreme of emotion.

kind of like "oh my!"

right now, i use it as an expression of distress.

so i was gonna have a happy entry.

im not in the mood anymore.

i just got an email.

God, please. please. please.

please take care of your people.

please come through for us.

please don't let us down.

please keep your promises.

help us to trust. =/

i am so sorry. i wish i could help you. i wish you were here locally so that i could do something. i guess the only thing i can do is assure you of my prayers. ik its not fair. i am so sorry. :(((

*sigh*

i don't want to end this entry like this though.

i want to have an up-note.

a silver lining.

hmmm..

SMD: i am really proud of you. thank you. :)

why not?

so to be honest,

idk how often i'll update this thing.

i won't guarantee that you'll understand what i'm going to write all the time.

ik for a fact that some of my posts will just be for me...it won't be meant for you to understand. it'll just be a bunch of random words that you can only guess the meaning of.

so right off the bat, i'll have to apologize if you're gonna expect that i'm going to using this blog as a way of filling you in all the time on what i've been doing, the things that i'm thinking, etc.

i probably will fill you in every now & then, but something that biff said to me the other day really made me think...he was talking about how lame it is when you're talking about something to someone,

& then they're like "oh yeah! that happened to so-and-so" 

& you're like "how did you know that?" 

& they say "i read it on their blogspot/myspace/bulletin, etc."

oh the generation of technology.

thus, this blog will only be a bit of me for you to see.

but it won't be everything.

i want a relationship, a friendship, with you.

i don't want you to know everything about me because you read about it on this.

i want you know to know me.

i want you to spend time with me.

but for just a little bit on this,

here it is:

"into me."