innocence.

olivia.
Originally uploaded by ashleesumilat

babies are the epitome of it.
their lives are so uncomplicated.
maybe not for the people taking care of them,
of course,
but the life of a baby is pure bliss.
nothing to stress over.
nothing to worry about.
nothing to care for.
they just depend.
how i wish our lives were that free-flowing.
but there's too much stuff going on
for that to even wish for.

dear Daddy,
i want to have a child-like spirit.
a baby-like spirit.
full of innocence.
full of dependence.
solely on You.
i've seen what happens when i take things
out of Your hands
& place them into my own.
remind me to trust in You
in the big & little things.
especially with all these things going on
in the lives of my friends.
satan's been hitting so many of them
really hard.
i lift them up to You, Father,
because i don't know what else to do.
remind them, too, to have a baby-like spirit.
help our unbelief.
be patient with our frustrations.
encourage our depression.
we need You.

please don't abandon us now.

embrace.

to be in the arms of someone that cares about you

and that you care about back.

whether it's a beloved family member,

a best friend,

or a significant other.

to feel the affection and care that they have for you

flow from their arms into yours

through some weird type of osmosis,

all the while finding its way to your heart.

it needs no map, compass, or GPS.

it just somehow knows how to hit the spot.

& it leaves me speechless.

oh this is the night, it's a beautiful night,

and we call it bella notte.

look at the skies, they have stars in their eyes

on this lovely bella notte.

side by side with your loved one,

you'll find enchantment here.

the night will weave its magic spell

when the one you love is near.

for this is the night, and the heavens are right

on this lovely bella notte.

summary: up & down.

(a) pocketful of regret.

for both situations, it wasn't worth it.

& now i have to suffer the consequences. =/

(b) at last.

things are resolved.

& we're still good. :)

(c) *sigh*.

i miss you already.

life's unfair. =/

i don't want to count down the days.

(d) my schedule.

needs to slow down.

i have too many things going on.

what ever happened to summer?

i mean, i like being busy & being productive.

it feels good.

but i want more down time.

after this wk, i think things'll slow down.

i hope.

underpar.

to be told that you're not good enough.

to be told that in some way or another, something about you is wrong.

to be told that you're deficient in something.

& to be told that in front of other people and watch their reactions.

makes me feel this small.

& to go to someone to feel better & for them to say something insensitive.

makes me realize that i'm the only one that can make myself feel better.

nothing that anyone will say will make me feel better.

w/e.

i'll get over it.

just give me a few minutes.

a little time to cry.

then i'm good.

meet me on the corner of "i don't care what people think about me" and "grow thicker skin, ashlee. it's okay."

tuned out.

IMG_2794
Originally uploaded by ashleesumilat

*a prize of one of my VBS kids for completing the daily challenge.*
after about a minute of trying to figure out how to play with it, i explained to her that it was a maze. the recipient of the prize said this:
"this is so weird! i don't really like it...it's a maze with no way out!"
so i went up with her to exchange the prize.
hahahaha. :)

something interesting happened today at VBS.
i did something that i haven't done in a while.
i tuned out of the world & focused in on one thing.
today, i tuned in on justin, one of the kids in my kindergarten class.
we were all eating snacks, & he wasn't doing anything.
he wasn't eating, wasn't talking.
he was just sitting there, rubbing his eyes.
i got down to his eye level & asked him if everything was okay.
he didn't respond to me, even after multiple attempts of me trying to find the culprit of his distress.
so i picked him up, sat in his seat, hugged him tight, and held him in my lap as he gave in and rested his head in the crevice between my shoulder and my neck.
for a good 5-10 minutes, i just held him, massaged his back, and stroked his hair as we sat in silence while the other 4-6 year olds laughed, talked, and ate their watermelon.
for those few minutes, everything else disappeared in my mind, all other thoughts and distractions were put away, and all my focus was put into justin.

i remember sitting there thinking,
"wow...nothing else matters right now."

for those few intimate moments, nothing else did.

i was completely content with the world.

it was a peaceful feeling.

i want more of those.

simple things.

its the simplest things in life that make me smile.

*i don't like the exposure in this picture, but her facial expression is too cute not to share.*

i also realized that its the simplest things in life that can totally bring me down.

a comment.

or a non comment.

a look.

or a non look.

a tone of voice.

or silence.

hmmmm.

little things get to me.

whether or not that's good or bad.

abrupt switch.

IMG_2127
Originally uploaded by ashleesumilat

today was day 1 of VBS at LLCC.
these are 2 of the cutest girls i've ever seen. :)

abrupt switch,
but i'm really into colors.
sounds kinda weird, but they're important to me.
sometimes my emotions play off the colors that i'm around.
but anyways, today, i officially decided that i'm not so much into yellow anymore.
i like them in pictures, but not in the things that i own.
i don't want to have anymore yellow possessions.

green & purple's my jam.
...but only certain shades.

cetus lepidus.

that's one of my "catchphrases" in the skits for VBS...the theme is space-ploration.

its used as an exclamation of exasperation, surprise, any extreme of emotion.

kind of like "oh my!"

right now, i use it as an expression of distress.

so i was gonna have a happy entry.

im not in the mood anymore.

i just got an email.

God, please. please. please.

please take care of your people.

please come through for us.

please don't let us down.

please keep your promises.

help us to trust. =/

i am so sorry. i wish i could help you. i wish you were here locally so that i could do something. i guess the only thing i can do is assure you of my prayers. ik its not fair. i am so sorry. :(((

*sigh*

i don't want to end this entry like this though.

i want to have an up-note.

a silver lining.

hmmm..

SMD: i am really proud of you. thank you. :)

why not?

so to be honest,

idk how often i'll update this thing.

i won't guarantee that you'll understand what i'm going to write all the time.

ik for a fact that some of my posts will just be for me...it won't be meant for you to understand. it'll just be a bunch of random words that you can only guess the meaning of.

so right off the bat, i'll have to apologize if you're gonna expect that i'm going to using this blog as a way of filling you in all the time on what i've been doing, the things that i'm thinking, etc.

i probably will fill you in every now & then, but something that biff said to me the other day really made me think...he was talking about how lame it is when you're talking about something to someone,

& then they're like "oh yeah! that happened to so-and-so" 

& you're like "how did you know that?" 

& they say "i read it on their blogspot/myspace/bulletin, etc."

oh the generation of technology.

thus, this blog will only be a bit of me for you to see.

but it won't be everything.

i want a relationship, a friendship, with you.

i don't want you to know everything about me because you read about it on this.

i want you know to know me.

i want you to spend time with me.

but for just a little bit on this,

here it is:

"into me."