out of sight, out of mind?

you know,

usually,

i would rather be the one that gets hurt

instead of the one that causes the hurt.

cause if i'm the one that causes the hurt,

i feel bad for being the source of their pain.

and i would willingly trade spots.

but right now, i'm sitting in the position of the "hurt-ee."

or at least the "confused one",

if nothing else.

& i really wish that i could be the "hurter."

or at least the "indifferent one."

cause then i wouldn't have to worry about anything.

why did...even though...?

can you please answer me that?

cause this bites as much as i thought it would.

a conversation with myself:

ash1: ashlee, if you could go back in time and do things differently, would you?

ash2: ...

...

...no.

ash1: well then, there's your answer. chin up, girl. live up to what you said you would do.

ash2: but, ash, it's not that easy.

ash1: do what nikki said then. get the closure you need. it'll give you a peace of mind.

ash2: *sigh* i suppose.

ash1: it's okay, ash. smile. :) you'll look back on this in a little bit & everything'll be okay. just like before. :)

ash2: in time.

*sigh*.

i'm in the middle of a conversation with a friend.

something that he said:

"if you knew the atrocities of this generation, you would never look at the simplest things the same way."

daisies.

candies.

pacifiers.

bright colors.

when did these things ever start to be associated

with something so...twisted?

once child's play,

now...

nvm.

*sigh*

ignorance is bliss.

sidewalks and street corners.

not many realize it,

but the different parts of a road

harbor a lot of different emotions.

at the beginning of the street

(or end, depends on which way you look at it)

is the street corner.

where run-aways sit with their head in their hands while they try to figure out what to do next.

where hookers give away their bodies and compete with others to get the best buck.

where sign flippers wave their cardboard this way and that in the scorching sun while other people laugh at how ridiculous they look.

(okay, that last one wasn't a great example.

you can throw that one out.)

but street corners represent

pain, depression, and emptiness

in my mind.

plus, people on street corners are often alone.

however,

just a few feet down from the street corner

is the sidewalk.

where lovers hold hands while taking an evening stroll in the cool summer night.

where friends congregate in groups to converse and laugh.

where street lamps are placed to light the driver's way safely back home.

sidewalks represent

love, laughter, and security.

people on sidewalks are most always accompanied

by a friendly face.

hmm.

tgfsidewalks. :)

a genuine mona lisa.

pastor jonny once told us that his old youth pastor always used to ask him,

"jonny, how's your spirit?"

rather than,

"what's up? how are you?"

i always liked that.

the latter question is tossed around too freely.

it's used more as a replacement for "hi"

rather than asking the person how they really are.

so if you were to ask me how my spirit is right now,

i'd tell you that i'm suffering from a case of

ambiguity.

on one end,

i'm giving you genuine smiles.

but on the other end,

i'm passing out mona lisa smiles.

nicknames.

i'm a sentimental person.

i appreciate small things that most other people wouldn't think twice of.

certain items, places, smells, colors, phrases, etc.

hold value because of the memories they evoke

and the relationships that they're linked to.

especially names.

if you haven't noticed,

i come up with nicknames for people a lot.

& more than often,

i stick to the nickname that i come up with.

sometimes i'll call them that more than their real name.

suelynn. sanga. ven. jeff fry. biff. nikkitino. darca$h. ma pyss. itu. aduh ya. waseng. dee dee. bobby lee. ktigre. dayniel. jay rizz. edmunder. loraling. alpoor. ana tropicana. kodaDAY. seestur. keiko. arteem. DNA master. jay cuhh. mao mao. p. jay. pjo. raymundo. shelbaBAY. t-reeeEEEV. tirs. leroy. 5. chayndler. cha. daynellezerz. mandy bear.

...just to name a small percentage.

this past week,

i've been thinking about nicknames a lot.

i love it when people have nicknames for me.

ash. ashca$h. ash trash.

(*cough* you can forget that one)

pash. arteeem. mango. itu.

keke. sister. nuy nuy. precious. beautiful.

(^^ family names)

its kinda weird,

and you might roll your eyes at me,

but it makes my day when people give me nicknames

and stick to it.

nicknames to me are more just silly words.

they're terms of endearment.

nicknames signify a friendship.

a close relationship.

see,

anyone can call me ashlee.

teachers, co-workers, classmates,

people on the street.

but people that know me,

that have a relationship with me,

know me as more than just "ashlee."

they have the right to call me

something other than the name on my birth certificate.

so, if you're my friend,

please,

go for it.

hi my name's ashlee.

but you can call me "ash."

a prayer.

dear Daddy,

my friends and I have been talking about friendships a LOT lately.

like a lot, a lot.

we've also been talking about how to maintain them during college,

and we're spending as much quality time as we can with each other this summer.

then tonight, I realized something.

I haven't spent a whole lot of quality time with you.

I'm really tired right now and i was almost tempted to skip out on worship,

but I knew that i couldn't.

Daddy, You are my best friend.

You honestly are.

but how in the world can i call You that when i hardly spend time with you?

i've been spending a lot more time with other people than i have with You.

i'm so sorry that i've neglected You.

that i've put You on the back burner.

that i didn't spend time with You when i said i would.

that's not what friends do to each other.

i'm so sorry. :(

Daddy, this moment is just for You and me.

everyone else in the house is asleep.

everything's quiet.

so it's just You-and-me time.

and i want to savor it.

i love You, Daddy.

amen.

"than the morning sun."

a line in a song by Skillet:

"You have been more faithful than the morning sun."

to one, that line might go through one ear

and out the other.

but today, those words mean a lot to me.

because today,

i was reminded that

people change.

in my particular case,

that hurts.

but you know what?

it just emphasizes this unchangeable fact

that i place so much trust in:

You have been more faithful than the morning sun.

You have been more faithful than knowing the night will come.

You have been more faithful than the changing of the seasons.

so even though there's a little rain,

i can still walk strong.

thanks, Daddy.

new blog.

akale.mekana.blogspot.com

^^ that's going to be my photo/update blog

while i use this blog as my "creative writing corner", so to speak.

i want to keep things organized. :)

weird much?

maybe.

oh well.

you can deal with it. :)

hula.

flowers.
Originally uploaded by ashleesumilat

their perfectly manicured fingernails
accentuate their hand movements,
making the words of the song come to life.
the trains of their muumuus slide along the carpet floor
making a subtle whoosh sound.
their flowers and leis?
vibrant.
beautiful.
and perfectly in place.
the vocals of the woman singing
and the strums of the guitar
blend perfectly together to create a sound
that invites one
to imagine the waterfalls in the tucked-away mountains that are waiting to be visited.
to feel the gentle hawaiian breeze as it rustles through the mango trees.
to sit back and enjoy.

and so i do.

i just sit there.

and soak it all up.